Discouragement

I meant everything I said in my previous post about choosing joy. I did. And I'm trying, but still really struggling with feeling discouraged.
To not give in to discouragement at my school is honestly a daily battle.

My class looped up from second grade. So most of the students, with the exception of a few who were added to the mix, were all together last year.
In a quick conversation I had with my principal about my class, she said (and I know she was actually trying to be encouraging in her own way), "Last year the teacher who taught your class didn't have problems. They were a pretty good class, so you really shouldn't be having these behavior issues with them."
I think she was meaning to imply that things should get better quickly - trying to instill some hope in me maybe. But it's difficult to not take that statement personally, as though it's just me that's the issue. Like the whole problem must be wrapped up in the way that I'm doing things.
Sigh.
I'm trying really hard to not buy into such discouraging thoughts, and to not believe them as truths.

In reality, two of the four kids who I'm really struggling with were not in this class last year. And those two students work to set of my other two challenging kids who were in the class last year. It's amazing what changing just two kids can do to the dynamic of a classroom.
I mean, today I had kids literally bickering at each other from across the classroom in the middle of a lesson - a growing occurrence among certain students, unfortunately.
It starts out by one student blurting out in a loud voice that "So-And-So called me __________!!!"
Followed by So-And-So's retaliation of "Well, she threw a pencil at me!!!!"
Which quickly escalates into a full on argument, aaaannnnd there goes the focus on math! The entire class is now involved in their exchange of blame and rudeness. I don't even blame the little girl who wants to be moved out of my classroom. It's incredible what goes on!

Today, I called FIVE parents about this type of behavior on my way home from work. Five. Do teachers at other schools have to call that many parents on a daily basis?? I'm just wondering.
Thankfully (refocusing on the positive here), I do have parents who are very supportive and willing to reinforce classroom expectations at home. Parent support is a coin toss at places like my school. My parents may not always be willing or able to read with their child at night or sign their Thursday folder, BUT so far they have been more than willing to get involved when it comes to behavior and discipline. I seriously can't say how much it helps to have parents who want to work as a team. I am so, so thankful for parental support :)

Currently, my biggest struggles are getting my students to stop constantly blurting out, getting out of their seats, and talking while I'm talking/teaching. At times, it truly feels as though I've tried most everything I know - like I've pulled out all the strategies I tucked away from my college classes and still I'm at a loss for effective management skills. That's a discouraging feeling.
As terrible as this is, I'm actually relieved and even a bit happy to hear other teachers say that they aren't able to get through entire lessons yet or that their kids just won't stop talking. It makes me feel like I'm not an epic failure. It helps me to remember that it's not just me.

I have had some good conversations with other teachers at my school about ways to help manage my classroom more effectively. So despite, my growing feelings of helplessness, I am blessed to work with teachers who are willing to discuss and share ideas (another thing to be thankful for). I've come away from some of those conversations recently with a few new things to try in my classroom this week. Nothing is going to be a magic pill for these kids, but something's bound to work with time and consistency.

Please remember me in your prayers - I'm trying reeeeaaallly hard to stay positive!! I could use some help from the Big Guy upstairs!

Throw Me a Bone, Here!

After being away from work for almost the entire week with a stand of "para-influenza" and a case of strep, I went up to my school today for maybe an hour just to finish up testing my kids for literacy - because today is the deadline to have my reports in to the district (health aside).
While I was there, my principal saw me in the hallway and stopped to inform me that a parent of one of my students came to the office this week to request that her daughter be moved into another third grade teacher's classroom. Apparently my student has been telling her mom that I can't handle our class.
My principal encouraged both mom and daughter to give me more time since I'm brand new at this (not to mention adapting to such a challenging environment!). The mom agreed that was reasonable. The daughter said, "I'll give her one more week."
Nice.

I Choose JOY!

Yesterday I, along with my principal and four other teachers in my building, attended a professional development workshop. Despite wondering through most of the day whether or not my kids were tearing the classroom apart or learning anything at all while I was gone, I am so so thankful that I was at this particular conference. The timing couldn't have been better. It was, so to say, 'just what the doctor ordered.' After being in survival mode for a solid three weeks now, I left feeling empowered to walk back into my classroom with a fresh, more positive mindset! I was reminded that it's not silly, after all, to believe that I can change the world as a teacher.

The workshop was lead by a former teacher, principal, and now motivational speaker from the town of Purvis, Mississippi. He was engaging, enthusiastic, and focused on helping teachers live life to the fullest! But what stood out to me most is how incredibly positive his outlook is on life. He is obviously crazy in love with his wife and admires her deeply, speaks of his children with utmost affection, talks about enjoying extracurricular activities, AND he is still super enthusiastic about teaching and devoted to the profession!
I'm thinking, extracurricular?? I don't even know what that word means anymore! And I am stressed/sadened at just the thought of how much of my time I don't have to invest in close relationships because I'm pouring everything into my job.
So, I'm wondering…How does he balance it all? What does this guy have? What's his secret? Because whatever it is, I need it!

Come to find out, he didn't always have such a positive disposition.
As I was listening to him share his early experiences as a teacher, I was floored to hear that this man, who now seems to have everything figured out so perfectly, was in pretty much the exact same mode as I have been in - scraping by in his job, experiencing little joy, just trying to survive.
Praise the Lord, hallelujah! There's hope for me yet!

But, still, what's he got today that he didn't have then? What made the difference that brought him to the place he is now as a person and as an educator?

First of all, I know the most important thing he has is Jesus.
I'm not trying to be silly. It was written all over this guy. Truly. His joy was oozing almost.
Scriptural language was woven throughout his speech - things like "living a life of abundance" and "you reap what you sow." He spoke of each new day being a gift, not letting others steal your joy, and of how sometimes you have to go through the valleys of life to reach the mountain tops. He referenced quotes from Charles Swindoll, and he spoke of the value of giving our lives away to others. He even prayed before we had lunch. And the best part - he really meant the things he was saying. You could tell he lived it! He knew what was really important in life. And I'm convinced that's what made the difference for him.

Often times, for me, relying on God sounds nice. I like to think about relying on Him, and I casually ask for His help and guidance. But just thinking about living a life that is rooted in God isn't really proving to be very effective…Reflecting on the way of Christ and embracing it fully are two very different lifestyles. I need to live it, to breathe Him in if I want to thrive on the peace He has to offer in life. In order to make it at this school I need the source of my joy to come from something greater than myself.
When I was in Nepal, and my energy had run out, one of my team members prayed a prayer asking God to give us His heart for the people of Nepal - because we didn't love them enough to do what we were doing every day. We needed His love for them. His love, not ours, would keep us going.
I feel like that same prayer applies quite well to my need of His heart today for my students.

Sometime this summer, I came across this prayer with full intention of printing it and displaying it on my desk. That has yet to happen. But that doesn't mean it can't show up on my desk tomorrow:

For each of these was made in your image,
and it was for all that Christ gave his life.
May I see with your eyes and feel with your heart,
and may I be your hands and feet to these your people.
Amen.

Steering back from a bit of a tangent…
The presenter didn't over-spiritualize this workshop. If one was not very familiar with scripture, they honestly may not even have noticed. But I recognized the message of the bible in his words. And I'm not going to hide it - hearing the Truth of scripture woven into experienced wisdom on how to teach effectively and positively was a DOUBLE dose of refreshment!! Thank you, Lord! :)

There is another key ingredient to his recipe for a full life…His ridiculously POSITIVE ATTITUDE.
At my school, it is not an uncommon occurrence to see a teacher teary-eyed in a faculty meeting, crying in the workroom after school, walking down the hallway with a strained face… It's tough to stay positive in our environment. But you know what, we are letting our students steal our joy! We are allowing our circumstances to defeat us. And as unrealistic as it seems to uphold such a positive attitude at my school, I want to try. I need to try. I MUST try. For my sake, the sake of my students, and the people around me.

SO, with the strategies and tips I learned from the workshop I am also taking with me a renewed desire to depend on the Lord and to choose to focus on the positive!

There is a teacher in my building who has an amazing life story. And anytime someone asks him how he's doing he always has the same, genuine response. "Better than I deserve."
Isn't that so true for us all?

I'm going to leave you with the quote from Charles Swindoll that we were given yesterday. This is my most lengthy blog post yet, so if you've even made it this far I applaud you! Thank you for caring about me and my endeavor enough to read my thoughts :) And thank you, Father, for the inspiring day I had yesterday!

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on my life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a CHOICE every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. You…..we are in charge of our attitudes."

Thank Goodness for...

Dear Lord, Please Send Me an Angel

Another teacher at my school quit. He was my friend, too. We graduated from college together. So, within a few days of each other Miss M and Mr D have both left the building (literally).
This news made for a pretty discouraging start to my day, which only got worse.

I love holidays because I get a mental break, but I hate holidays because it's a well-known fact that students magically forget everything you've taught them about how to behave. Even over just a 3 day weekend? Yes. One extra day out of school is all they need. I had to put my head in my hands and literally pray to God for patience today so many times just to keep myself from going ballistic on them :( …Needless to say, I learned how easily my students feed off the negative energy I'm exuding.

Also, I stayed at the school until 8:30pm working tonight. That's 13 hours of my day spent at work. Insanity.
And I STILL don't feel like I got everything done.

It was simply not a good day.

I just can't seem to keep up with all the paperwork, emails, phone calls, lesson planning, copying, grading, organizing, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
I would love to have an extra set of hands in my room to help cut down on all the tedious things I have to do after school hours instead of having a life.
Thus, I am praying for someone who would like to serve as an angel in my classroom. Literally, you would be an answer to prayer and a divine intervention. Anyone who has a couple of hours a week that they would like to spend volunteering in my classroom PLEASE say the word. I will utilize you and I will love you :)

I promise to post a more positive update soon. So far I feel like I'm making my job seem like a nightmare. It's not. It's really really really really really hard, but I am getting to positively impact the lives of these kids (God willing); and, at the end of the day, I have to remember that the kids are worth it.
(Right?)

Tomorrow will be better.

Please pray for me to have patience and a positive attitude.

A Sad Farewell

I was going to wait to post about this until sometime this weekend, but it's been on my mind the entire day so I decided to stay up even later than I should to blog about it.

Today was my first day to teach without my new (and dear) friend Miss M.
She was hired this year to teach 3rd grade, and her classroom was right next to mine. We became friends quickly, being the only new teachers on our team, and in a way she has been a lifeline for me the past couple of weeks. We had taken up planning together (since we were a few of the only crazies in the building who stayed up at the school working til 7pm), and we shared each other's burdens and frustrations.
Have you heard of the research that was done on the endurance of mice in water? (This will come full circle, I promise). Basically it went something like this: A mouse was placed in a water tank alone and swam for, let's say, 1 minute before it drowned (I don't remember the exact numbers, and google was not giving me anything useful). But, when two mice were placed in a water tank together, they swam for something crazy like a few hours before they tired out. Whatever the numbers were, I remember it was an incredible difference. Well, in a way, Miss M and I were like those mice - trying to keep our heads above water, fueled by the fact that another person was fighting alongside us.

I don't think a soul on earth could have predicted that this Wednesday morning would be a breaking point. Teaching in an environment such as ours causes one to become so emotionally worn that I'm convinced it could honestly happen to anyone of us at any given moment. Our hectic days are characterized by unpredictability…
I'm not sure I need to go into all the details that went into the difficult decision that was made yesterday, which resulted in my friend parting ways with our school …sigh… but I will truly miss her presence. Handing off her classroom keys to another person this morning was a heartbreaking moment for me :( She quite possibly has one of the kindest hearts of anyone I know (not exaggerating). I trust that the Lord has great things in store for her! That's what I keep feeling in my soul - that He has plans for her that are far better than anything we could dream up!

As the two of us were sitting at a local pub last night, enjoying our over-priced framboise beers, decompressing the crazy emotional day that had just come to pass; for an instant I was jealous of her haha…because I knew she would get to sleep-in this morning and not go spend her entire day with kids who don't appreciate her!!
So, Miss M, depending on how you view it, though you are now jobless and in the process of relocating your life (yet again), things may actually be looking up for you in comparison to those you are leaving behind! ;)
Please know how thankful I am that you were my buddy who braved the first two weeks of school alongside me. I miss you already, but am praying for your bright future!

Here's to taking the treasure and leaving the trash, sister!

Tantrums in Short

Step one: Student shoves tub of connecting cubes off desk


Step two: The desk and chair are quick to follow


Step three: Keep right on teaching the math lesson like normal
(wait, this doesn't happen in your classroom??)