After observing me in action three times thus far (always popping in by surprise to keep things more authentic, of course) and taking extensive notes, my Assistant Principal called me down to discuss my first evaluation!
I was surprised/thankful/speechless/happy/wow-ed to find that I received a mark of 'satisfactory' in all areas. Now, I know in some circumstances 'satisfactory' stands for mediocre, but on our evals it's the highest mark you can get! Woohoo!!!!!
I was honestly expecting a more harsh report. I don't feel like I'm teaching in a way that's deserving of all high marks, but I guess that means for a rookie I'm doing okay so far :) Along with the basic marks, my principal did include tons of great notes on what she specifically observed - among her notes was some really quality feedback. I have to tell you that although my evaluation was better than I had expected, it was not perfect. What I took away as her most impactful advice is generalized into the following few words: I need to lighten up.
She told me that there are times when my facial expressions communicate a more harsh message than I'm intending to convey. The specific example she gave me was of a time in class when I called on a student to answer a question and when they didn't answer correctly, I said, "Hmmm, is that correct? Let's think about it…" while pressing my lips together and furrowing my brow like I was thinking. Apparently my "thinking face" is a straight up frown. This caused the student to immediately feel like they failed (It hurts my heart to realize this). My principal told me that I said all the right words to help her recover and to guide her to give the correct answer, BUT it was the initial facial expression that sent a negative vibe. I could say all the positive, encouraging words in the world to my students, but the look on my face (which I'm, sadly, often oblivious to) is what really speaks to my students. My facials should say, instead, "Great guess! I'm glad you took a risk! I appreciate your willingness to try! Let's see if we can work together to find the right answer!" Those are the words I was speaking with my mouth, but my body language could afford to learn a thing or two...
She also reminded me that it's okay to let my kids see that I actually enjoy what I'm doing, that I love teaching and chose this profession because it's what I want to do each day. She suggested that I SMILE and allow myself to be silly with them once in awhile.
Man, that's hard to hear.
I want to be a happy, smiley, positive, fun-loving teacher. That's the sort of teacher I always imagined myself to be! However, truth be told, it's quite possible there are days that I go without smiling in my classroom.
Each day, when I wake up, I psych myself up to go teach like a champion! I ask Jesus for help to show his loving character to my students. Let me tell you…..it's surprising how quickly those kiddos can drain the positivity from your bones. No matter how I resist, it seems sooner or later in the day they break me. The level of positivity I possess fails to overpower the extent to which they deliberately disobey and misbehave. At 8:00am I'm feeling good, by 10:00am I'm a Nazi.
As I've been reflecting on these things, it's occurred to me that I continually feel like I'm rushing throughout the school day. I'm rushing to fit a large amount of content into a small window of time. I'm rushing to transition from one activity to the next so that I lose as little instructional time as possible. I'm hesitant to take my kids on a bathroom break because that means less time for teaching. I'm rushing rushing rushing because it feels like if I don't then I'm not teaching my kids everything they need to know. It's extremely difficult to not feel the pressure of testing. I never thought I would fall into the trap of testing. But it's a tricky tricky trap. My students came to me so low to begin with that I find myself rushing to teach them what they should have learned in previous grades so that I can somehow bring them up to third grade level by the end of the year. It's insanity.
I've realized that all this rushing is never going to promote a positive classroom environment. It makes for a terrible environment, actually. I'm not enjoying school. They're not enjoying school. It does not benefit any party involved.
I'm now convinced that if I will simply allow myself to slow down and stop being so gosh darn driven by the quantity of what I'm teaching and start focusing instead on the quality of what I'm teaching, it will prove to be a much better practice for myself and for my students in the end. I think a lot of the negativity I'm feeling on a daily basis stems from the fact that, more often than not, I'm functioning in a state of stress. Sometimes I don't event realize I'm stressed because I've grown so accustomed to the feeling - no lie. I believe that if I allow myself to sloooow doooowwn every so often, refusing to live and teach in stress-mode, I will be a better teacher. I will be more able to keep from losing my cool when my patience is being tested for the umpteenth time. I believe I will be more likely to smile throughout each day and have generally happy expressions on my face! I believe it will be easier to let myself be a little silly sometimes, remembering that I teach a group of kids not navy seals. I am not a drill sergeant. I am a teacher. Sometimes it would appear I've forgotten.
With the help of the One who can save me from myself, I will remember each day to slow down - to retrain my focus to be on quality and not always on quantity. I will seek supernatural JOY to be able to smile at my students more often than I frown.
Check back to see how I'm doing :)
